he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
