I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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