I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
