OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
