Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
