Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
