I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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