using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
