in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I cockslap morals
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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