Nicole vs. Life
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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