Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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