Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
