I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
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promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.