did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
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hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.