wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Someone came in the potted fern
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
