Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
