It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
