I just pynch a tree in the face
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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