I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i think my cat just said my name.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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