As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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