i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
