Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
