I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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