she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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