I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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