I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
