i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize