I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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