he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
