i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dignity is for republicans.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
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