i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
