this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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