And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
