if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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