how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
