I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
