You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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