I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
