I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
