babies were throwing up all over the place
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
