I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
