Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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