Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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