Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
