I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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