i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
babies were throwing up all over the place
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
