I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
