the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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