thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
