Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
