I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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