When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
