Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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