Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
