It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
