fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
