i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
