You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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